I bought a new front door a few months ago.
It came in anthracite grey and has a small diamond shaped window, a bit like the shape of the Isle of Wight on its side.
The guy who sold it to me (Keith) was full of praise for its ability to withstand repeated beatings from masked intruders carrying sledgehammers. He offered to show me a video on YouTube on his phone.
I tried to explain that I live on a cul-de-sac in a quiet village, surrounded by retirees, and that the risk of rioting was minimal unless there was an unexpected result in the Strictly dance-off.
I offered Keith a cup of tea. Keith was persistent so I coughed up £1200 and said thankyou.
It was perhaps the most boring way that I have willingly spent money and I'm still getting over it.
As an old man would say, you don't get a lot for your money nowadays.
With this in mind, I want to make the exact same argument that I made last year that the Isle of Wight Festival is good value.
Here's the lineup so far, in case you missed it.
If you were quick off the mark, you could have bought the early bird Islander tickets in June 2019 for £115 or £126 including the booking fee. The full price tickets will be £185 and the Islander rate is £145 (plus fees) -they go on sale on Friday or there's a deal with Barclaycard for another 10% off.
So how does that compare to individual gig tickets?
Let's assume that you wanted to see Lionel Richie on tour after watching his famous Glastonbury performance at the local cinema. You paid £30 for two cinema tickets and a bucket of popcorn and you'd like to relive the magic.
Tickets to see Lionel Richie at the one day Hampton Court Palace Festival 2020 start at £115 (although when I looked, the cheapest pair of tickets on Ticketmaster was actually £148 each plus booking fees).
So, a one day 'festival' costs the same as the early bird price for the whole three/four days of the Isle of Wight Festival including camping. And the actual price you can get tickets for is about the same as the standard Islander rate for the weekend.
Perhaps though you don't like Lionel Richie. Perhaps you don't want to stand in Seaclose Park and sing Dancing on the Ceiling.
Perhaps you'd rather put a glostick in your straw hat and dance to Pete Tong's Ibiza Classics at the O2 in London. That'll be £40 please...plus a booking fee.
Or how about Lewis Capaldi at the SSE Arena? That's £32 please, sir. How will you be paying today? Did I mention there's a booking fee?
How about the Kaiser Chiefs for another £27 or Supergrass for £43? Can I take the long number from your credit card please?
Sam Fender in London? That's £26 please. Primal Scream in Nottingham? That's £30 please - can I take the three digits from the back of the card please, sir?
James Arthur at the O2? That's £34 please, or can I interest you in a 'platinum' ticket for £174? Dido in London? That's £42 please.
You'd rather see Snow Patrol at the Royal Albert Hall? That's £66 please. Will that be VISA or Mastercard, sir? Did I mention that there's something called a 'handling fee' which is entirely necessary even though the ticket is digital and can't actually be handled? Would you also like to pre-book parking in Central London for the same cost as a new car?
But you're a Duran Duran fan? I'm afraid they aren't touring at the moment, but you could have headed over to the USA and paid £250 to see them if you wanted? Don't forget to plant a couple of trees to offset all that guilt.
I'm sorry, I got carried away.
Now, obviously you're not going to want to see every single act at the Festival, but if you're interested in one or two acts per day I reckon it's good value. And that's without all the other festival stuff, like the kids' zone and the smaller stages.
Ah yes, but you've got to pay to get to the Isle of Wight. Isn't it the most expensive crossing in the world, or something like that?
Yes, it's certainly true that the ferry can be expensive but if you travel as a foot passenger it's £11 return with Red Funnel, £16 with Wightlink, or 50% off with Hovertravel.
And let's not forget that the rest of the lineup hasn't been announced yet.
If you'd like to put on a better value festival, please go ahead and I'll buy the first ticket.
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